


Anything for You

by peteor



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Alternate Universe - Childhood Friends, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Fluff, Love Confessions, M/M, Marriage, Suicidal Thoughts, Weddings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-18
Updated: 2016-03-20
Packaged: 2018-05-27 11:11:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6282328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peteor/pseuds/peteor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Do we have to get married now?" Wash joked. Church started laughing and wiped his mouth. Wash frowned. "That's rude, don't wipe my kiss away."</p><p>"Not my fault you're bad at kissing," Church sneered, but couldn't keep the smile off his face. "But... if you want."</p><p>"If I want what?"</p><p>"To get married," Church shrugged, staring at the setting sun, hidden partially by the tall evergreens along the perimeter of their yard. "When we're Grown Ups."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Best Story

**Author's Note:**

  * For [churchwash](https://archiveofourown.org/users/churchwash/gifts).



Church heard the guitar music over the 8 bit sound effects of his Game Boy. Immediately, he was up and rolling off of his bed, sliding down the hallway and out to the balcony. He dodged the summer sunbeams that heated the smooth wood by jumping into shadows from deck furniture. He could still feel the heat, but it didn't blister his sensitive feet like it would have if he didn't dance around the sun.

He made it to the balcony railing and leaned over, trying to spot the mop of wild dark hair that he knew was down there. Sure enough, Church's friend and closest neighbor was down below, in his family's area, strumming away on a lawn chair. Church knew Wash would have heard him stumble his way across the fire-hot deck, which meant he was deliberately ignoring him. And that just wouldn't do.

"Hey jerkwad!" Church called, reaching over for the rolled-up rope ladder on the balcony railing. "I'm comin' down."

He waited for a protest, and after receiving none, knocked the ladder off the edge of the balcony. Wash's strumming faltered, but he soon enough recovered and watched Church slide down the ladder curiously. Church's dangling foot caught the bottom rung with perfect timing. He swung on the ladder and used the momentum to crash into the cushioned patio couch. Wash continued watching, half-heartedly strumming some easy chords.

"You've perfected that," Wash observed. "I'm impressed."

"You should be," Church replied with a grunt, standing up onto the cooler concrete of the patio, shielded from the sun by Church's balcony. "I'm kind of awesome."

Wash rolled his eyes at that, but Church didn't care. He dragged over Dana's Disney Princess-themed lawn chair and settled down across from Wash. The two stared at each other for a long few seconds, before Wash gave a half-shrug and started playing the guitar again.

"What are you playing?" Church asked after a few seconds. Wash faltered on the guitar and glared at Church.

"I _would_  be playing _something_ if you left me alone," he huffed. Church wasn't near offended. Wash said that kind of stuff all the time. "Why are you down here? Aren't you trying out the Game Boy you got for your birthday?"

"Well, I was," Church mumbled. "But then I heard you playing, and wanted to see what it was 'cause I didn't recognize it and usually I recognize your songs."

Wash looked down at his lap and bit his lip. "It's... a song I'm writing for somebody."

Church lit up. "Oh, man, who?! Someone you like?"

With a shrug, Wash replied, "Kinda? I dunno, I guess I sorta like him," he stuttered when he saw Church's eyes narrow. "Or... her?"

"Don't lie," Church said sternly. "Why didn't you tell me you were gay?!"

"I... don't know," Wash sighed. "I didn't want you to be mad."

Church rolled his eyes so hard his entire head rolled with it. He hoped Wash would get the idea. "I don't care if you get a crush on a boy or a girl," Church threw his arms up and stomped his feet on the ground. "But you gotta tell me about it. That's what best friends do!"

Wash grimaced, and Church faltered. Was he upset because Church called him his best friend? Maybe they weren't best friends, and Church was reading too far into it. That would be embarrassing. Church shrunk back, and there must have been some sort of look on his face, because Wash's eyes widened and he quickly backtracked.

"Sorry," he said quickly. "You're right. I should have told you. Since we're... best friends."

"Why'd you pause there?"

"Pause where?"

"At _best friends_!" Church stood up and folded his arms. Wash met his gaze defiantly, but stayed seated. "You can just tell me if you don't wanna be my best friend. I'll go home and you can move away this weekend without a goodbye 'cause we won't be friends. And you'll make a bunch of friends in middle school and I probably will too. Maybe," his shoulders slumped. "Probably not."

"You'll make tons of friends," Wash assured. "And we _are_ friends! I just... the person I like?"

Church glared. "What about him? Is _he_ your best friend?"

Wash finally averted his gaze. Church grinned smugly. He won that stare-off. He usually does.

Maybe if he was thinking clearly, he would have already picked up on what Wash had been saying. But Church was a little bit angry at that point, and he never thought clearly when he was angry. It annoyed people, which was why he knew he wasn't going to make friends in middle school. He was a hopeless case.

"Yes, he is," Wash finally choked out. "He's, well, I was going to wait until we were older to tell him, but now dad is getting shipped out and we have to go with him and live on a stupid base. So... it's you, okay?"

Church blinked. Wash must have sensed his confusion, because he took a deep breath and repeated, "The person I like is you."

Church's jaw dropped. "Oh," he said, sitting back down into the chair. Wash was watching him uneasily, grey eyes wide. "That's cool."

"What?" Wash said, strangled. "That's... cool?!"

Church leaned back with his hands up. "What am I supposed to say?!"

Wash closed his mouth tightly, pressing his lips together. The neighbor's dog started barking, and the sound was immediately followed by a loud whining noise and some loud man screaming. As usual.

"...I don't know."

Church frowned at that, staring down at his stubby nails and skinny fingers. One time, he and Wash had compared their hand sizes. Church had longer fingers, but Wash had bigger hands. Church didn't think that was fair, but Wash was seven months older than Church.

At some point, Wash went back to strumming his guitar, so Church let his eyes fall shut and listen to the tone. It was something familiar this time, which made sense, since Wash wouldn't want to spoil Church's song for him.

"Can you sing?" Church asked. Wash looked up, startled.

"If you want," Wash answered hesitantly. Church nodded, so Wash started strumming another tune of some kind. " _My ancestors planted some sequoias by a road_ , _I've driven down that road since I was born_..."

Church stood up, holding the chair by its handles against his hunched back. He waddled over and turned around, planting the seat right beside Wash.

"... _I would chop them all down just for you_ ," Wash continued singing. Church closed his eyes once more and, once his body started feeling heavy, he let himself slump against Wash's side. His head rested on Wash's shoulder, and after some bumping and fumbling, Church wound his arm in-between Wash's arm and side.

" _Anything for you_... _all of this is true_... _But the best story that I could ever tell, is the one where I am growing old with you_."

When the music stopped, Church startled awake. He sat up and rubbed the sleep from his eyes, confused to hear crickets chirping, until he looked up and saw the sun setting behind the trees in their yard. he glanced at Wash, who gave him a smile before busying himself with his guitar case.

Church waited for a lull in the cricket chirping before turning to Wash and asking, "How old do you have to be to kiss someone?"

Wash froze, slowly straightening up and turning to stare at Church.

"Cause I know you gotta be Grown Up to get married," Church explained. "But there's no special age for kissing, right? I heard that some people kiss in kindergarten!"

Wash stuttered for a moment. "Uh, I don't know? My sister kisses boys and she's twelve, so I dunno, maybe you have to be twelve?" He shook his head and stared at Church with a tense jaw. "Why do you want to know?"

Church shrugged. "I kinda wanna kiss you."

Wash looked around slyly, a nervous smile growing on his face. Church blushed when he understood what Wash was doing.

"We can kiss if you want," Wash said quietly, leaning towards Church slowly, unsure. "Nobody can get mad at us, 'cause we're alone."

Church smiled and hunched his shoulders up to his ears. But he, too, started leaning forward.

"How do we..?" Wash gestured to their lips. Church shrugged and smiled shyly.

"I dunno, like they do on TV?" Church asked, reaching trembling hands out to grab either side of Wash's face. "Like..." Church pulled Wash forward until their foreheads were touching. Wash started snickering as Church went cross-eyed unintentionally to look at Wash's nose. "Well that is gonna get in the way. Stupid big nose."

"Your breath smells," Wash snarked back, though his voice was barely a whisper. Church felt Wash's hands grab his elbows. "This is okay, right?"

"Y-yeah," Church whispered. Before he lost his nerve, Church closed the final bit of distance, pressing their lips together. Unfortunately, since Church practically yanked Wash's face towards his own, it hurt like hell, and they separated quickly. "Ow! Dammit!"

"I think my lip is bleeding," Wash grumbled. "That wasn't fun at all."

Church felt his face grow hotter than ever, tears welling in his eyes. "...I messed it up."

Wash turned to Church quickly, waving his arms back and forth. "No, no, it's okay!" He grabbed Church's chin and tilted it up slightly. Without hesitating, Wash leaned forward and pressed his lips gently to Church's. This time, they stuck together for a very long time, though neither wanted to or knew how to move their lips against each other's. Church felt like time had almost stopped, and it wasn't until the neighbor's dog started barking again that they separated.

While the angry old man next door yelled at his annoying dog, Church and Wash stared at each other with wide eyes. Slowly, Church slid his tongue out to run over his trembling lips. He cringed when he tasted blood.

"Do we have to get married now?" Wash joked. Church started laughing and wiped his mouth. Wash frowned. "That's rude, don't wipe my kiss away."

"Not my fault you're bad at kissing," Church sneered, but couldn't keep the smile off his face. "But... if you want."

"If I want what?"

"To get married," Church shrugged, staring at the setting sun, hidden partially by the tall evergreens along the perimeter of their yard. "When we're Grown Ups."

Wash nodded, hearing the sound of his mom's car locking from the driveway. "I'd like that." Wash said firmly. He stood up and helped Church to his feet, too. "Want to stay for dinner?"

Church shook his head. "I have leftovers. Dad's gonna get mad if I don't eat it 'cause then it'll go bad and be a waste. But you can come up later and we can play games or something?"

Wash shrugged. "I'll ask. Keep your walkie talkie on."

Church laughed and saluted Wash, standing up straight. "Affirmative, Agent Washington."

Church knew Wash's mom said yes every time Wash asked to go to Church's since it was just upstairs and Wash always left his walkie talkie behind.

So while Church waited for Wash to finish dinner, he cleaned up his room and put on a clean shirt that wasn't wrinkled at all. It was silly, but he wanted to impress Wash. If they were going to get married one day, it wouldn't hurt Church to put on a nicer shirt.

That would be the last sleepover for many, many years.

\--

Church actually did wind up making friends in middle school. It started with Tucker, who he sat beside in homeroom. He was doodling in his notebook, so Church started doodling along, and soon enough they had filled an entire two pages with an impromptu stick figure war. Tucker met Grif in their next class, and met Simmons alongside him. The three of them, at lunch, met up with Church again and Grif and Simmons introduced them to Donut. From there, they met Lopez, and last but not least, Caboose.

As grateful as Church was for his friends, it was still overwhelming. There were a lot of friends, and they all had other friends, and Church was never really the kind of kid who had a lot of friends. Eventually, all these new friends started weaning him away from his old memories from the previous summer. He never really forgot about Wash, and Church was sure they would get along if they ever met again, but he lived so far away and Church's new friends were with him.

In eighth grade, Tucker kissed a girl for the first time, and bragged about it for ages. Nobody else in their group had kissed anyone before, except Church, but maybe a bit of his ten year old self was left over because he didn't want to tell anyone about his first kiss. It just seemed like such a precious memory, even with the annoying dog and loud crickets.

\--

Wash had trouble making friends in middle school. By the time he got settled into his new home, school was nearly starting. The back to school craze made it impossible for Wash to get out and meet any new friends, which made the first day a lot scarier than it should have been. Everybody seemed to have friends from elementary school, and all these friends got together into cliques, which left Wash the odd one out.

It was so much more confusing than elementary school, too, so Wash found himself slipping through the cracks. He missed bells, skipped classes entirely, and even got into a couple of fights. His grades were in the tank by seventh grade, and he had never known his mother as an angry person, but the stress of the move plus the stress of her husband being in the army plus Wash's failing grades and Crystal's nineteen year old boyfriend? She started slipping through the cracks, too.

By eighth grade, Wash was staying out late, handing in homework months late, getting into fights he wanted to lose just to get himself hurt, and hearing things nobody else should. He also saw things sometimes, too. It was strange, and made even the small amount of friends he'd accumulated keep their distance, but Wash adapted. He adapted, and he survived.

\--

High school was a blur of pressure, caffeine, and lots of loud screaming. Church floated through it with the current, barely keeping his head above water. His father had gotten harsher, a nicotine addiction had reared its head, and Texas showed up. That on top of the homework, on top of tutoring his friends, on top of the strange instances where he would seemingly sleepwalk through his day... it was hell.

But it was manageable hell. Church got a girlfriend to finally replace the taste of blood on his bottom lip with strawberry lipstick, his friends stuck with him no matter how many times he thought he'd blown it, and the schoolwork was easy enough.

He graduated with high grades and tossed the rest of his inhibitions away with his graduation cap right after. He was too drunk to remember the after party.

From there, he went to the university of his choice, majoring in psychology. Through that, he did some reading on Dissociative Identity Disorder, and started looking into himself and what he had been going through. After many epiphanies and much more coaxing, he met the others, and finally set sail against the current. He changed his major to photography, since that was something all of them could appreciate in their own ways, and went home every summer to watch the sunset while the crickets chirped their hearts out.

\--

Halfway through high school, the only thing that kept that gun away from Wash's head was the pact he made as a ten year old. How awful would it have been for Church to see his fiance's name on national news as another teen suicide. And that was the best case. The worst would've been Wash disappearing without a trace. No news, nothing. Church would've gone his entire life without a clue as to what happened to David Washington.

Unfortunately, the most healthy way a seventeen year old Wash knew to deal with his suicidal tendencies was to follow in his dead father's footsteps and jump up to don that army green. He left home in a whirlwind that nobody could have predicted, and did everything he could to kill himself for four years straight.

The irony is that he finally made friends. Fellow misfits and outcasts like him, imprinting their own personal demons on the faces of the soldiers they killed. York said it was the only thing that made it bearable. South agreed, as she so drunkenly admitted one night, tears streaming down her face. Even Wyoming twitched at her side, eyes glazed over to either keep tears in or keep the world out.

North admitted to liking it, deep down, but that knowledge of himself tore him apart. Texas claimed it was all she knew, and everybody believed her. Florida said it was for sinful release, Maine was just following orders, Connie wanted to be something, and slowly but surely, Wash started wondering if he was the weird one.

Because when he killed someone, he didn't feel a thing.

\--

Church stood at the airport gate, bouncing on the balls of his feet. The Director had gone off somewhere, to do something or another. Church wasn't surprised that he didn't want to see Carolina come out of the gate. Not just because he was an asshole, but also because it would remind him too much of Allison. Even though Church hadn't know the woman, he could respect that.

Her hair was half brown, having grown from the roots over the years, but Church would still recognize that shock-red ponytail anywhere. She scanned the crowd, saw Church, waved, and then grabbed another soldier. They both rushed over, and after giving Carolina a quick hug, he turned his attention curiously to the other.

His hair was bleach blond, his skin was an even darker brown, his freckles had been replaced with scars on his nose, cheekbone, and jaw. But he gazed at Church the same way, with a confused frown and harsh grey eyes. His shoulders were broad, he was a few inches taller than Church, and after a moment of staring, he held out a hand.

Still much larger than Church's, but Church took it anyway and shook.

"You went blond." Church pointed out once their hands dropped. Wash coughed quietly and ran a hand through his hair, staring desperately at a retreating Carolina. Probably off to find the Director.

"Yeah," Wash finally said. Church clenched his fists at the sound of his voice, scratchy and gruff yet so much similar. He glanced at the camera bag on Church's hip. "You got a camera?"

"Yep," Church replied curtly. "You... joined the army."

Wash chuckled. "Yeah. Not my smartest call."

"No shit," Church felt a smile coming on. "What, did you have a death wish?"

Wash's face darkened. Church cocked his head, oblivious to what was going on in Wash's head.

"I got DID," Church blurted. Wash blinked at him, confused. "Dissociative Identity Disorder?" He pointed to his head and spun his finger in a circle. "I've got some roommates. In my brain."

Wash's face softened. "Oh," he said dumbly. "That's... nice. I have schizophrenia."

"Really?" Church raised an eyebrow. "Is that why you're here, and not still getting yourself brutally slaughtered?"

Wash nodded. "Technically, I'm supposed to serve another four years. But the army doesn't want crazy people."

Church went quiet, looking down at his fiddling fingers. "...I might."

Wash gave Church a concerned look. "We were ten, Church, if you don't want-"

"Do you want to go out with me?" Church interrupted, staring harshly at Wash, who still had his mouth half open to form the rest of his sentence. Church took a small step back. "Sorry, I just had to ask before I... didn't."

Wash nodded. "Believe me, I understand." His eyes raked Church's body, eyebrows rising at a steady pace. "I do want to go out with you. But I need to confess something, just in case it's a dealbreaker."

Church creased his brows, but nodded.

"I don't play guitar anymore." Wash admitted, shifting his army bag on his shoulder. Church cracked a grin and punched Wash's arm lightly.

"That's cool," Church said. "I know a banjo player. And a ukulele player. And what's that one flute that looks like a penis?"

"What?"

"Oh, and Tucker claims to know how to play the guitar," Church went on, even though Wash looked completely lost. "And Caboose can play the drums surprisingly well. We all joke about being in a band together, but we don't have a... singer..." Church glanced up at Wash. "Do you still sing?"

Wash paused. "I don't know."

And in that moment, Wash looked so much like the shy, nervous boy sitting across from Church eleven years ago, leaning in close. So Church, like he did back then, leaned up and closed the distance. The kiss was even more innocent than the first, just a brush of lips at the corner of Wash's mouth. When Church plopped back onto his heels, he wasn't expecting Wash to still look so lost and confused.

"Hey, are you okay?" Church asked. Wash immediately shook his head.

"No, I'm not," Wash sighed. "But I'll get there."

Church nodded. "Yup. And I'll help."

Wash grimaced. "I don't think you know what you're getting into."

"Probably not," Church admitted. "But if there's one thing I've learned in the last eleven years, it's that at the end of the day, you've just got to jump in and wing it."

Wash chuckled dryly, and Church winced at how pained it sounded. "Words to live by, really," the sarcasm dripped from his voice. "And when did you learn such important life lessons?"

"Oh, man, let me tell you about the guys," Church started excitedly. "So I met them in sixth grade..."


	2. All of This is True

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they get married

Church tilted his head up, glaring at the ceiling and twitching every time Tucker's cold fingertips brushed his neck. He struggled to settle his nauseous stomach as Tucker moved from adjusting his collar to working on his bow-tie.

"How do you even know how to tie a bow tie?" Church asked, keeping his gaze trained on the ceiling. Tucker snorted but didn't reply, just continued on with his work. Church didn't really mind, since he didn't really care when or how Tucker learned how to do half the stuff he knew how to do. Something about not looking a gift horse in the mouth. Words to live by.

As soon as Tucker stepped away, Church turned to look in the full-length mirror. His tux was adjusted and done up perfectly, thanks to Tucker and Donut. His Best Man and Groomsman Number Two were standing to either side of him, nodding enthusiastically. The more Church stared at himself in the mirror, hair combed, suit pressed, small silver and gold band around his left ring finger, the sicker he felt.

Tucker noticed, and, with a sigh, grabbed his arm and dragged him to the half-bath. Church immediately doubled over the toilet and threw his guts up. Vomiting was Church's least favourite activity, yet he'd been getting pretty well-acquainted with the nice, clean toilet in the small washroom.

"Great," Donut said, disappointed. "Now we have to fix your suit again."

"No, you don't," Church stood and flushed the toilet, turning the sink on and splashing water on his face. "Because I'm not getting married. It's not happening."

"Oh, not this again," Tucker rolled his eyes. "Dude, you're my best friend and everything, but I'm this close to joining Wash's side on the wedding party. Like, no matter how much I hate the guy, at least he has his shit together."

\--

"I can't do this!" Wash cried as he paced quickly, dress shoes scuffing against the imperial rug. "This isn't happening."

Maine raised an eyebrow and folded his arms.

I _can't_ get used to it," Wash said, messing up the hair that he hadn't even begun to style yet. "We've been together for four years, Maine, and I'm still not confident I deserve this. That I deserve _him_."

Maine scoffed.

"Look," Wash glared at his best friend. "I know you don't like him, but he's a good person. Not even you can deny that." Maine just shrugged. Wash threw his arms up. "And what am I? Maine, I'm a terrible excuse for a human being. I don't think I have ever made a single good decision in my life."

Maine pointed to the ring on Wash's left ring finger, a thin silver band studded with blue zircon. Wash sighed and stared down at his hand, balled in a fist. The ring reflected the light, causing Wash's eye to twitch.

"This was an awful decision," Wash said stubbornly. Maine growled in annoyance. "It was! It is! The only reason Church agreed to marry me is because he's an idiot-" Maine shook his head and pointed to Wash, who narrowed his eyes. "What? I am _not_ an idiot. I'm the responsible one."

Maine smirked. Wash glared before resuming his pacing. "I should have made York my Best Man."

Wash snorted when Maine growled and took an offended step back. "I'm kidding," Wash said with an eyeroll. But then he threw his arms up again and clutched at his hair. "I shouldn't even _have_ a Best Man because I shouldn't get married." Wash ignored Maine's grumble of protest. "I am perfectly happy with my current life. Having a boyfriend is fine. Who needs a husband? Boyfriend is fine, boyfriend is good."

Maine pulled out the whiteboard and scribbled something. Wash continued pacing as he did so, before finally turning in Maine's direction when he heard him tapping the whiteboard's surface.

YOU DONT BELIEVE THAT

Wash shuffled over to the chair by the mirror and settled in, grabbing the comb off of the side table and fiddling with it. He took a deep breath and then shook his head. "You're right."

Maine tapped the whiteboard again. Wash looked up.

YOU ARE AS GOOD A PERSON AS CHURCH IS: MEDIOCRE

Wash dragged a hand over his cheek. "Do you think I proposed because I'm scared of losing him?"

Maine shook his head. Wash sighed. "Then why did I propose? Because I don't have a fucking clue what I was thinking."

Maine thought for a moment, turning the whiteboard around and erasing the letters on it. He tapped the pen a few times before writing something quickly, underlining it several times.

YOU LOVE HIM

"Sure," Wash said with a small laugh. "But that means I should want what's best for him, right? So why the hell am I marrying him if I know I'm no good for him?"

That time, Maine didn't hesitate to erase those three words and write something new.

YOU'RE A SELFISH SON OF A BITCH

"Glad we've come to the same conclusion," Wash mumbled with a bitter smile. He stood up and adjusted his jacket with trembling fingertips. "Now help me get ready."

Maine made an amused sort of rumble in his throat, and the two of them got to work.

\--

Tucker poked his head into Wash's room to collect his ring, looked him up and down one time, and then groaned.

"Really? You too?" Tucker cried as Wash dropped the ring into his open palm, on top of Church's. Tucker's responsibility, before he joined Church's side at the altar, was to help Junior be the ring bearer. He was already running late, since there were only about ten minutes or so before they were supposed to walk down the aisle, but he had to poke at Wash a few times. "Why do you and Church both look like you're on your way to the electric chair?"

Wash blinked. "Wait... Church is nervous too?"

Tucker stood up straighter, eager to complain about his friend. "Yes! Oh my god, he's thrown up like a million times! Pretty sure he had a panic attack, too. It's a miracle he's fronted this whole time," Tucker paused and gave Wash a half-grin. "Guess he must really want to marry you, huh?"

Wash bit back the explanation that switching isn't normally Church's conscious choice, because in that moment, Tucker was honestly trying to encourage Wash in his own special way. He had to give Tucker credit for being observant enough to sense his nerves. He liked to think he was less obvious than Church with how he was feeling at any given time.

"You want to marry him too, right?" Tucker asked suddenly. Wash creased his brows in concern.

"Of course I do," he said immediately, feeling Maine's hand land heavy on his shoulder. The gesture itself was a _told you so_ , if Wash had ever seen one. "...of course I do."

Tucker nodded. "Cool, cool," he paused. "I guess you're okay, Wash."

"Thanks." Wash narrowed his eyes. Tucker shrugged and swaggered away. Both Wash and Maine silently watched him go. "...well, I suppose that's a start."

Maine grunted and turned back around.

"Well, you like him more than Caboose, at least," Wash argued, knowing exactly what that grunt meant. "And if you're actually my best friend, you're going to have to learn to spend a lot more time with these guys."

Maine stayed silent.

"Seriously, we're getting married now, so the family has to learn to get along."

Maine grumbled.

"Of course you're my family!" Wash said, folding his own arms. "You're like the brother I never had. Ever. Seriously, do you know how much I wanted a brother as a kid?"

Maine grinned. Wash shrugged and continued.

"And they deny it, but Tucker and Church are brothers until the day they die," Wash finished. "So get along with Tucker. He's not... too bad?"

Maine grabbed the whiteboard.

YOU'RE USUALLY A BETTER LIAR

Wash shrugged. "Yeah, I just can't even pretend to believe myself with that."

\--

Church fidgeted at the ballroom door, glancing down the hallway he came from for a glimpse of Wash. After some debate while planning the wedding months prior, they decided to walk to the altar together. But the longer Wash took, the more nervous Church got. By the time he looked up and saw him walking his way, his stomach was in a very, very tight knot.

He wished he could say Wash made the knot go away, but that would be a lie. If anything, it got tighter. When Wash took Church's hand and searched his eyes, Church wouldn't deny blacking out for a moment. But what was important was that he was still there. He came back. He wanted to be the one to say "I do," kiss the groom, and sign those papers.

"You alright?" Wash asked. Church scoffed and gripped the ballroom door handle.

"Yeah," Church nodded. Wash's hand in his was a grounding force, that gave him the confidence to push the door open. "Let's get married."

Wash scoffed. "You could sound more excited about it."

"Oh, like you can talk," Church snarked back as they hurried down the aisle. "Tucker told me you were totally freaking out just like me."

"I didn't throw up," Wash defended himself. "I wasn't really 'freaking out,' either. I was just nervous."

"Nervous is still freaking out," Church cried, feeling heat rise to his face. "So get off your high horse."

Wash yanked his hand out of Church's as they made it to the altar. He paid no attention to the concerned looks from Tucker, Grif, and Donut behind Church. He chose, instead, to glare at his fiance. "What high horse? I'm not trying to say I'm better than you, I'm saying that if you actually want to marry me, you can show some more enthusiasm."

"Well _sorry_ ," Church cried, hunching his shoulders and ignoring the squeak from Donut. He knew he was wrinkling the suit. He didn't care. "It's a little hard to be enthusiastic when I feel like I'm going to throw up everywhere."

"If you feel that bad, then maybe we shouldn't get married," Wash replied, narrowing his eyes. Church folded his arms and stared up defiantly. "Clearly this is a mistake."

"Oh, yeah, just like you to back out when the going gets tough."

"Me?! Back out when- oh that's some shit, Church-"

"Uh, guys?"

Church, along with Wash, turned to glare at Simmons. The man was looking at them in concern, wearing some robes and holding a small book. He slowly relaxed when he saw they weren't going to yell at him.

"If you guys aren't going to get married," Simmons explained quietly. "Can I go change? Because these robes are itchy..."

"Who the fuck said we weren't getting married?" Church reeled back defensively. Wash, too, looked indignant. "Of course we're getting married!"

Simmons stuttered. "What, but, um, okay. I was just..."

"Can you believe this guy?" Church asked Wash, who just shook his head. "Goddamn Reds never should have been invited."

"You take that back!" Sarge yelled, standing up out of his chair and pointing at the two of them. Wash rolled his eyes and cupped his hands around his mouth.

"You _weren't_ invited, Sarge!" Wash called back. "You were never invited!" He turned to Church. "Why is he here?"

Church squinted at Wash. "Why are you asking me?"

"Well you-"

"Just kiss already!" Tucker cried. Simmons whipped his head around at Tucker.

"They can't kiss until I read this!" Simmons waved the book.

"Then read it, Simmons!" Church and Wash both yelled at the same time. Simmons' surprised squeak is what untied the knot and restored Church's energy. He looked at Wash and sighed. "Have I ever mentioned I love you?"

"I love you too," Wash replied casually. "Now let's get this over with."

"Agreed."

Simmons stared at the two of them for a moment. "Uh... were those your speeches?"

Church and Wash exchanged a glance. "We were supposed to have speeches?"

Simmons shrugged. "Well, you're not supposed to," he explained. "But a lot of couples do."

"Yeah, we'll skip that bit," Church decided. Wash nodded his agreement. "Get to the 'I Do's, or whatever."

"Right, okay, uh," Simmons looked up at Wash. "Um, David Washington and Leonard Church, it is time to say the pledges which will affirm your marriage. Please take each other’s hand, face each other, and repeat after me: I, uh, your name, take you, um, other name, to be no other than yourself. Loving and trusting what I know of you, with respect to your integrity, and with faith in your love for me, through our years together, and in all that life may bring us, I accept you as my partner in life."

Church took Wash's hands and tilted his head up to look him in the eyes.

"I, Church-"

"You have to say Leonard Church-"

" _I_ , _Church_ ," Church said harshly, glaring as Simmons for a moment. "Take you, Washington, to be no other than yourself. Loving and trusting and a total asshole, with respect to your integers, and with faith in your love for me, because I'm awesome, and in all the ways life will fuck us, the way you fuck me will be the best. Amen."

Simmons sighed, but Church didn't care, because Wash was staring at Church with an amused smile and a shimmer in his eyes. He set his shoulders back and whispered. "Wash, it's your turn."

"Right," Wash breathed. "Okay. I, Washington, expect you, Church, to be a complete dick all of the time. And even though you're an asshole, I will respect your integrity, and have faith in your love for me, through all our years together, and all that life may bring us. I accept you as you are, my partner in life, my best friend, and above all, the biggest piece of shit I'll ever love." He glanced at Simmons. "I'm not going to say amen."

"You... never had to," Simmons sighs. He gestures for Junior to walk over. "May I have the rings?"

Junior perked up and hurried over, keeping a close eye on the rings on the small pillow. Simmons took the pillow and thanked a proud looking Junior, who stood straight beside Simmons with a wide smile on his face.

"Thank you Junior," Simmons said, and then turned to the grooms. "Let these rings be a symbol of your undying love, blah blah blah-"

"Now you're doing it right." Church said cheerfully.

"Wash," Simmons handed Wash Church's ring. "Will you place this ring on Church's finger and say to him, 'I give you this ring as a symbol of my love for you?'"

Wash frowned at the ring in his hand, and then at Church.

"Why can't he put it on himself?" Wash asked. Church smugly held his hand out and wiggled his fingers.

"Make sure you kiss my hand when you do it," Church drawled. "Oh loyal servant."

Wash rolled his eyes and slipped the ring onto Church's finger with a far more delicate touch than Church had been expecting.

"This is a symbol of my love," Wash deadpanned. "A very expensive symbol of my love."

"All I wanted was a puppy," Church joked, holding out his hand for Wash's ring. Once he had it, he grabbed Wash's hand and slid it on. "There's my symbol of love. That you bought."

"Because you were too lazy to go to the jewelry store."

"Listen, I had way more important things to do."

"I really doubt-"

"Church and Wash," Simmons interrupted, tugging at the collar of his robes. "And all of you gathered here today-"

"What?" Church looked around the room. "Why do they get a shout-out?"

"It's in the script," Simmons floundered. "I can... change it?"

"Yeah. Change it." Church glared at the audience, who were looking various degrees of amused and horrified. "Hate you assholes."

"Alright," Simmons cleared his throat. "Church and Wash, may the love in your hearts give you joy. May the greatness of life bring you peace. And may your days be good and your lives be long upon the earth. So be it."

"Yawn." Church said. Wash glared at him. Church pouted back. Wash rolled his eyes. Church rolled his own.

"Church and Wash," Simmons said in a voice that suggested he was finishing up. "Will you seal your marriage with a kiss?"

Church immediately jumped up and pressed his lips to Wash's, who staggered back a few steps before wrapping his arms around Church and kissing back with all he had. Everyone in the room erupted into cheers and applause, and as soon as the two grooms separated, Church turned to them and threw his fist in the air.

"Woohoo!" Church cheered. "That was awesome!"

Wash huffed and lowered Church to the ground, keeping a hand on his hip.

"You ready to sign a lot of papers?" Wash asked. Church groaned.

"Can I get a few beers in me first?" Church asked. Wash shook his head.

"I'd rather you legally marry me while sober," he replied with a stubborn frown. "I've heard enough horror stories."

Church sighed, but nodded in agreement. "Alright, whatever. Anything for you."

"All of this is true?" Wash asked with a twinkle in his eye. Church grinned and started clapping.

" _But the best story that I could ever tell_ ," Church started singing off-key, and his grin widened when Wash's smooth voice joined in. They pressed their chests close together, with wide smiles on their faces. " _Is the one where I am growing old with you_." Both of them finished. Church went up onto his toes and pressed his lips to Wash's once more.

Because that never got old.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welp there we have it

**Author's Note:**

> im not even. trying to edit this i'm sorry


End file.
